Why do I want to have something to say?

Do I want to have something to say to change the world for the better?  To leave a mark on those who come after to ensure that they too improve this life?

or

Do I want to have something to say for my own glory?  So that I am remembered?  Immortal?

I do want this world to be a better place.  I do want to be remembered.  Is it wrong to want something to say for both? 

Why don't I want something to say to bring God's glory to others?  Why wasn't it that I wanted something to say in praise of Him?  I cannot improve on the world as God created it.  But I can improve on the world as humans have destroyed it.  I must.  The changes made today will work to bring the focus and glory back to the One it belongs to: Jehovah, the mighty creator, the beginning and the end.  But if we improve the situation for those in hunger, pain, or suffering, is there any guarantee that their focus will once again resume its rightful place?  Those who currently do not suffer hunger and pain are not always heading in the right direction, are not always focused on what really matters, Who really matters.  Perhaps...no, truly God is the only way to improve life and the only reason to improve it.

Why do I not think this way all the time?  Why does my focus wander?  Is it terrible that sometimes God is not forefront in my thoughts?  I believe that He is behind them all, guiding me forward; He is the source.  But He is not always consciously there.  How do I correct this?  Does it need correcting?

Why does education only bring MORE questions?!

Learned Helplessness and Behaviorism

When my students arrive in class unprepared, I do not say, "I'm sorry.  You will receive a 0 for the assignment."  I have always believed that I should provide them with every opportunity to complete every assignment.  I have always believed that I should remove every possible chance for them to fail other than holding their hands and forcing them to move across the paper. 

But by providing them with school supplies, the paper and pen, needed to complete the assignments in my class, I am reinforcing their lack of preparation?  I have justified it by saying that some of these students cannot afford school supplies; some of their parents do not have the time to take them to the store to buy school supplies.  But am I teaching them learned helplessness? 

I obesrved a young man, one of my juniors, on Friday walk across the room to a box that has notebook paper in it.  I keep it for circumstances when I do not want the students to have an excuse not to write.  This young man had come to class unprepared again.  I do not recall him being unprepared the first couple weeks of school but now he is unprepared every day.  I admonished him for depending on me to provide him with supplies because I was upset that most of the class was refusing to participate because they did not have supplies either.  Not only had I often provided him with what he needed and now I was refusing to do so, but I may have contradicted myself because perhaps four weeks ago I told him that box was always open for him to get what he needed (I cannot recall if this was a conversation with this student or even real and not a dream).  What have I taught him by offering him what he needed and now refusing it?  What have I taught him by telling him (if this memory was real) that paper was always available from that box and then denying him access this time?

I could argue that I have taught him that circumstances change.  I have changed my mind and begun to teach him that he needs to be prepared and shouldn't depend on others to get what he needs. 

But the second isn't possibly true.  When the students do not come prepared, I more often than not insist that they "bum it off a classmate" then.  Not only then offering no punishment for lack of preparation but actually punishing the prepared students in class by almost forcing them to offer their own school supplies to their classmates - that the prepared may not have anything to offer or may not like their peers.  These diligent students may be frustrated (perhaps not in anguish or suffering but definitely frustrated) by their peers actions as well as my reaction.

I was one of those diligent students that became frustrated with unprepared classmates and their "bumming" things off me.  However, as I recall I usually gave them what they needed because I thought that was better than them failing because they were too stupid or lazy to bring their own supplies.

So what do I do?  Continue providing them with as little opportunity to fail as possible or allowing them to fail at everything because they can't or won't come with what they need?

Perspective

I have spent this overwhelming week trying to breath in between all of the activities I had scheduled.  The exhaustion finally caught up with me Saturday morning as I looked at my graduate school schedule only to find out that I missed an assignment completely.  I tried not to freak out.  I did the math and my mistake will not cost me a passing grade in the class.  I tried to have this fact calm me down.  I would work my way through to catch up.  I left work early Saturday to go home and begin this process.  I took a break to chaperone the homecoming dance which was fine except that I felt awkward at dances in high school and last night chaperoning I felt awkward at a dance in high school.  This morning I woke up and went to church which made my feel better (since I hadn't been in two weeks and felt down).  After I got home, Josh and I made lunch and then I started working on things by looking at the assignments list on my grad school work.  This process began with the internet connection not working well, then at all.  After I got that corrected, I realized that I also missed other assignments in my second grad school class.  So I continued to look and thought about all I have to do to catch up and all I have to do to keep up at the same time.  More than that, I have Benchmarks to grade and several students who still haven't finished their tests.  I need to have all of this done by Friday in order to meet the district deadlines and progress reports.  On top of that I have to keep my classes going forward while catching up.  All of this came crashing down on me so much that I just laid back and cried until my head hurt trying to let out the overwhelmed feeling so that I could get the hell back to work!  It didn't work.  I spent my whole time crying telling myself I didn't have time for that crap; I needed to work!  This inability to allow myself to cry made the situation even worse but after maybe ten minutes I got up and tried to get back to work.  I managed to get a couple of things done which made me feel better and brought me out of my stupor long enough to finish a couple of my half-done tasks.  However, I am still feeling overwhelmed although at least I am calmer about it on the outside. 

A contributing factor to the complete meltdown was the fact that I felt I had no one I could confide in.  I didn't want to call Jeni because I think that she always gets my worst days.  I did feel I could call Jen because she was busy being unhappy helping a woman with her wedding dress for a wedding Jen hasn't been invited to.  I didn't want to call my brother (he wouldn't care), my mother (I just talked with her last night), or my father (he's out of town having fun).  But the one person I should be able to talk with about anything - Josh - I didn't want to call for the worst reason: he would probably be annoyed having to listen to me whine about the same thing over and over while I do nothing about it.  I have the same reaction to him whining about his jobs.  I don't want to listen to him whine about something, especially when he either won't or can't do anything to change it.  So how can I allow myself to become a hypocrit?  I either need to not be annoyed with him anymore or never give him the chance to be annoyed with me for whining.  The worst part is that I felt I couldn't call Josh, that I couldn't confide in him.  It feels so limiting to not be willing to talk with the one person I want to share everything with for the rest of my life.  Is this just the beginning of a spiral that ends with me never again confiding in, and ultimately never talking with, Josh? It seems an extreme thought to take an incident like this that far but I do worry about precedent for future incidents.  I don't know how to answer the questions I have.

With all of this and more going through my head, I started watching West Wing.  If anything can put my piddly problems into perspective it's a visual demonstration of the overwhelming problems and factors to those problems that government deals with every day: negotiating between different views, negotiating between countries, negotiating between companies, and trying to keep the world from imploding on itself while making sure that the most people benefit and have a better life.  I cannot imagine the kind of intellect it takes to actually do something worthwhile in government.  I cannot imagine the kind of intellect it takes to avoid breaking laws while trying to write new ones.  I cannot imagine the kind of confidence it takes to stand up for what you believe in when the people who elected you do not agree with you, when the people you work with don't like you, and when you want desperately to do the best possible job and continue doing it long enough to make this a better world.  But then maybe I cannot imagine these things because none of them are the actual case and I have too much faith in the human race.  But I would rather have too much faith and set my expectations too high than spend my life depressed thinking everyone is out for himself.

Lord, watch over us and our wayward wanderings.  Bring us back to your glory and grace.  Thank you Lord for all your blessings.  You are an awesome Lord worthy of all praise.  Amen.

TAKS Testing

I have never enjoyed standardized tests.  Far from.  Actually I despise them, and I have never been convinced they measure what the creators say they measure.  I doubt the creators think they measure what the creators say they measure.  The tests take too long, they are inaccurate, they include experimental questions for the future, they cannot be compared to other states or countries the way government is so fond of doing, and ... I have lost interest in this rant because it has been done too many times.  I hate having cliche thoughts.

But now I have a new reason to abhor standardized tests: administering them.  You have to attend hours of training to know how to give the test and how to score it.  You have to read directions that are written for the lowest common denominator and repeat themselves in every paragraph.  (By the way, the directions I had to read to the students contradicted what I was told in the hours of training.)  You have to walk up and down each aisle throughout the test - five hours or more.  There is no talking for anyone, no computers, no food or drinks, no reading while students are testing.  Nothing except walking up and down the aisles and the deafening silence.  I was more tired this week from doing nothing than I have been this whole semester.  Plus I feel screwed because I had to administer the test four days in a row; other teachers didn't have to administer it at all.

Grrrrrrr.... and now I've lost interest in that rant.

I want to have something to say.  I want to say something profound just once in my life that changes those around me. 

Sister Suffragette

Looking back I would probably classify myself as a borderline militant feminist.  Housewives should no longer exist.  Every woman could and should work.  No man should ever tell a woman what to do, even if it was in her best interest.  Women should be paid exactly what men are.  Men and women should both clean the house and raise the children.

Now I think that perhaps staying home the first couple of years you have children might not be so bad.  (Granted cabin fever is something I am particularly apt to encounter.)  Cooking for a man and keeping the house clean, spending time serving someone else is not a form of suppression but an expression of love.